


Cinnamon Rolls

by badgerandk



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Body Image, Canon Compliant, Communication, Cuddles, Developing Relationship, Don't copy to another site, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Morning Cuddles, Nonverbal Communication, Past Abuse, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Sleeping Together, Sleepy Cuddles, Slow Burn, Supportive Relationship, Talking, Verbal Abuse, cute idiots, going commando, proper makeouts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2020-04-06 14:22:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19064443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/badgerandk/pseuds/badgerandk
Summary: Base premise: Eli is a chubby mathematical Genius.  Thrawn wants to cuddle him.  Eli thinks Thrawn is hot but has some body image issues to work through.This fic is endeavoring to address some of the common body image issues that occur when you aren’t the “preferred” body weight.  A lot of this is Eli learning how to battle his mental health dragon and learning he doesn’t have to do it alone.  Tags will reflect items throughout and if there are specific things in chapters, they will be called out in the notes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic takes place immediately after Chapter 3 of Thrawn of the written book. For those who have only read the comic version, know that the two vary somewhat on where the conversation about pets happened. The comic has Thrawn and Eli in their dorm room and Zahn had them talking as they walked to their new quarters.
> 
> To help here is the very tail end of the chapter by Zahn:  
> Ahead, the mouse droid rolled to the front of a three-story building and stopped, waiting for someone to open the door for it. “I guess we’re here,” Eli added. “Let’s see what the Admiralty has sent ahead for us.”  
> “And then we will learn our schedule and duties,” Thrawn said. “And prepare as best we can for the onslaught.”  
> Eli sighed. “Yeah. And that.”  
> So ends Chapter 3 of Thrawn
> 
> All words from here on out are mine.  
> Thank you to JessKo for the awesome beta!
> 
> Warnings: Self hatred and body image issues.

Eli’s heart had sank when Deenlark said they were assigned a split double.  So far, it hadn’t been too bad helping Thrawn. Embarrassing telling some of the old stories from Lysatra but mostly Thrawn was simply curious about them.  Sure, Eli was upset at how his life had been turned upside down all on the word of one person, but that is life in the Navy. But sharing a room? After he had managed to avoid it on Myomar, he didn’t expect to ever have to share a room in his chosen supply officer track.  Thankfully, he had managed to deflect the issue when Thrawn had noticed his concern. Now that they had arrived at the three-story building where they would live for the next three months, Thrawn seemed content with examining their room. 

This gave Eli a moment to worry how this was going to work.  He wasn’t obese or anything, and he had passed his basic unarmed combat course.  But, well, there had always been that extra weight he couldn’t get rid of. Baby fat his mom called it.  Embarrassing is what he called it. He didn’t like his rolls or the cellulite that peppered his waist. He wasn’t that heavy or anything but he was, well, chubby.  And he had learned quickly that the easiest thing was to not to put yourself in a situation where others could see you. Particularly, among thin, trim cadets. Looking around the room, he realized that they at least had a private refresher.  That was good, he could just get changed in there. Okay, this could work. It will be fine, he tried to convince himself as he continued his examination. 

Eli noticed that his small box of personal effects had arrived. Good, that meant he would have his nightclothes.  There also were proper cadet uniforms of course. He checked them, and sighed quietly in relief. They were the right size.  Sometimes the academy liked to send him a size down and he just wasn’t happy in them. Technically they fit but the next size up just were more comfortable.

He also had a note in his effects. Apparently the Admiralty wanted Eli to take Thrawn shopping for essentials. Okay, Eli could do that. He checked the amount of credits allocated, as he said, “So, I am supposed to take you out to get basic stuff.” Eli then turned to Thrawn, “AH! What are you doing?!”

Thrawn paused, pants half pulled on, “Putting on the new uniform. What is unclear about that?” 

Eli flushed and turned away. “Where.. I mean… nevermind.” He said while grabbing his new uniform and bolting into the refresher, leaning against the closed door.  Thrawn was walking around commando! Eli flushed as he remembered Thrawn’s well, bits, just hanging out, framed by the grey pants. The grey and white looked much better than the olive of the borrowed tunic, Eli thought to himself.  And Thrawn was well endowed by the glance he had gotten. 

Eli put his head in his hands as he groaned, this was going to be a problem.  Oh, he knew that he had found Thrawn attractive. He was relieved when the  _ Strikefast _ ’s barber had cut his hair as that was overwhelming visually.  For that matter, Eli had always known that he found both men and women to be appealing, but he had not realized just how alluring a man with longer hair could be.  And Thrawn was tall, handsome, and apparently kriffen  _ stacked _ .  Which made sense.  Thrawn had been on a planet trying to survive for who knows how long.  Physical activity was not optional in a survival situation. But  _ damn _ .  

Eli took a deep breath as he started changing.  Well, he would just have to figure out how to hide his attraction. Catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror, he looked down with shame at his soft stomach before carefully turning away to finish charging. 

* * *

_ Eli’s face and groin heat has increased.  He is clearly uncomfortable, shifting from foot to foot and looking everywhere but at me.  Odd, considering Eli has been looking in my direction far more often than before.  _ Thrawn wondered about the change as they stopped in front of a section that appeared to be men’s intimate apparel.  Though apparently the Empire just labeled such things with the gender, most inefficient, Thrawn noticed with disapproval.  He watched with curiosity as Eli mumbled that he would meet up with him in a half-hour and gave him the credits needed for his purchases.  Apparently, the Empire had taboos around undergarment choice. In this case, his choice of forgoing undergarments had been purely a practical choice up to this point.  First, from the difficulty of keeping such items intact when needing to clean them in such a harsh way in exile and then later, the  _ Strikefast _ had clearly not thought to offer undergarments beyond an undershirt.  He might have asked, but truly was comfortable with or without such garments.  Perhaps such items were considered too personal for standardization, Thrawn mused as he looked at the choices arrayed before him. Well, it was simple enough to wear them, and it will clearly make Eli more comfortable around him which was becoming more important to him, particularly with how he had disrupted Eli’s life. Thrawn concluded that it seemed a small thing to do in return as he picked out a black option that appeared to be soft enough.  

* * *

Two weeks.  Just two weeks with Thrawn as a roommate but it already felt like a lifetime.  Apparently, the chiss wasn’t body shy. At all. Thrawn just stripped to change clothes out in the open.  No warning just boom, he was naked! Eli sighed, at least he wore underwear now. Not that it was that much better.  The slim fitting black boxer-briefs did  _ not _ leave much to the imagination.  In some ways, it was worse because Eli could not help but notice where the smooth, muscular expanse of blue back met black briefs.  Eli wouldn’t have been looking but Thrawn seemed to dislike wearing clothing in their room so it was unavoidable. 

Also, Eli shouldn’t have given into his embarrassment and actually made sure Thrawn bought pajamas.  Thrawn had caught on that Eli was uncomfortable with nakedness but apparently missed that underwear is supposed to go  _ under _ something! And so every night had become a temptation.  He had figured that Thrawn was well endowed from that first glance, but now there was no doubt left.  And that was unaroused. Eli tried not to look but Thrawn was all hard angles, firm muscle and toned limbs.  Eli found that a cold shower before bed was the only way he could fall asleep. 

Eli hated that his body wouldn’t listen to his head.  It was not a good idea to be interested in a roommate.  And Thrawn was a terrible choice! He was not expressive and independent.  Thrawn would need explanations for the most awkward things at inconvenient times.  Eli didn’t think he  _ really  _ wanted to be with Thrawn, but he did wish that he was more comfortable around Thrawn.  Maybe then his strong reaction to the blue Chiss wouldn’t bother him so much. Or if Thrawn was just a pretty face, Eli could ignore him except for jerking off in the shower.  But Thrawn wasn’t. In fact, just the two weeks showed that Thrawn was likely the most intelligent person Eli had ever met and certainly smarter than anyone else at the Royal Imperial Academy.  Eli did  _ not _ want to like Thrawn after the disruption that he caused in his life and yet, he couldn’t help but respect Thrawn’s cool logic and patience with the idiots that insulted him.  Thrawn didn’t talk much but he certainly listened to Eli and took him seriously. There had even been a few moments when Eli couldn’t help but find Thrawn to be kind. 

No, the real problem is that Eli couldn’t imagine perfectly sculpted Thrawn being interested in soft doughy Eli.  

* * *

Chiss rarely had extra body mass. A side effect of the higher metabolism and warmer body temperature Chiss evolution had developed to better survive Csilla’s cold environment.  As such a bit of softness was considered desirable though rarely found outside of pregnancy. Thrawn had taken the Chiss standard exercise program a step further in his drive to hone his body and mind.  He did not regret the effort or the need to be the very best he could be, but occasionally, he was reminded of what might have been. Meeting Eli was one such moment. The human was certainly not weak but he also was softer than most he had met so far.  Many seemed to either let themselves go or were thin. Eli was neither. Thrawn couldn’t help but wonder how nice it would be to cuddle his roommate. He was just enough taller than Eli that he should fit nicely in his arms, be able to burrow his nose in Eli’s curly dark hair.  

Thrawn sighed as he returned to studying.  It was pointless to waste time fantasising.  

He had found Eli interesting from the very beginning.  Watching from the woods, he noticed that Eli looked curious rather than irritated as the other officers were.  Fascinated, not condescending. Even when the chaos ensued, he stayed calm and got out of the way of the more experienced troopers.  Thrawn smiled, Eli was also the first to notice something wrong with the stormtrooper armor that he had propped up with grenades in it.  

Eli had also spoken up, contributing when Thrawn allowed himself to be caught once aboard the  _ Strikefast _ .  Eli was hesitant but occasionally moments of deduction had cut though what he had thought to be proper and allowed Eli to speak, such as asking if he spoke Sy Bisti.  When Eli had spoken the word Chiss, Thrawn had known that he needed to determine if he had been sent by the Nemoidians to spy on him. A bit of manipulation from Thrawn (not much, after all the Captain wanted him to be able to communicate) and the captain arranged for Eli to be assigned as translator and subtle investigator.  From there it turned out to be fairly simple to get Eli to talk. Eli was quite good at telling stories, even ones that he felt were embarrassing, and it was relatively easy to lead him to reveal more than originally intended. Eli also seemed incapable of lying, which while a detriment in some areas, was quite beneficial to Thrawn’s plans and it soon became clear that Eli was no spy, indeed, he was barely comfortable in his role of interrogator.  Even though Eli was supposed to discreetly snoop, he did not have the skill set to do the job undetected by the subject. 

By the time they had made it to Coruscant, Thrawn found that he wished to spend more time with the human.  Eli often has a peaceful presence that seemed to spread out to all he came into contact with (at least when Eli remained calm).  Even when it would have been better to, he wouldn’t abandon or backstab someone to just get ahead. These were all things that were quite admirable.  More than that, the stories he told revealed a romantic’s heart reinforced by a backbone of loyalty that would be all but impossible to break once earned. Thrawn found that he wished to earn that loyalty.  He also saw glimpses of who Eli might become, so when Thrawn met with the emperor he once again asked for Eli to accompany him, his manipulations far more obvious by need of the players involved this time. 

Further Eli continued to be rather helpful with idioms, metaphors and other social niceties.  Chiss culture was very different from human culture, or at least human culture in the navy. Though occasionally frustrated, Eli never lied to Thrawn, or gave him bad information, even going out of his way to give Thrawn helpful advice. Perhaps navy regulations might prove helpful? 

Thrawn frowned, apparently there were far more rules here about fraternization, but right now, as they were both cadets, there appeared to be no such rules, or at least fewer that impacted them.  Not that it mattered. Eli was uncomfortable when they were alone at night. Also, Thrawn was unsure how human courtship worked. What were the rules? Would humans even be okay with two males together?  How should he show interest? 

Well perhaps there were other resources that could help him.  It would not hurt to also get a better understanding of human physiology.  Thrawn settled into his bunk for some thorough research. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is right after the first part of Chapter 6, after Eli and Thrawn got jumped at the academy.  They go back to their room to get cleaned up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter owes a shout out to   
>  [ What do you mean, soft? ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17946491/chapters/42382826)  
>  Some of the moments have been inspired by how MotherRameses handled it.  
> 
> Thank you to JessKo for the awesome beta!
> 
> Warnings: Self hatred and body image issues. Some typical Star Wars speciesism.

“I am sorry” Eli said to Thrawn’s bruised, sculpted, chest as he carefully applied bacta gel.

“For what?” Thrawn asked.

“For not acting sooner, I know I blamed it on the hedge earlier but...” Eli gestured vaguely at Thrawn,” I… I was caught wondering that if you had to quit, if my life would go back to normal.”

“Ahh,” Thrawn felt his chest tighten, “That is understandable.”

“Maybe,” Eli said “But pretty cowardly. Plus, what if they had done more than just hurt you?” Eli realized his hand was shaking against thrawn’s chest. When had his desire for Thrawn passed from being purely physical? Eli wasn’t sure but he did know that the thought of his death caused him distress.  

He wasn’t sure how long he had paused before Thrawn gently took Eli’s shaking hand in his. “I also was worried about you being hurt,” Thrawn gently said, “That is why I pushed you out of the way.  I did not wish for you to pay the price for my decision to spring their trap.”

Thrawn frowned as he turned Eli’s hands over and noticed scrapes from the gravel, “Apparently, I was not entirely effective.” He motioned for Eli to put some of the gel on his extended finger and then spread it over Eli’s palm before taking the gel container and repeating the treatment on Eli’s other hand, speaking as he applied the substance.  “Truthfully, I was waiting until you seemed more comfortable with me. I researched how such things are done in the Empire but quickly realized that there was not one set way. Also, it seemed wrong to go about this the Chiss tradition, so instead I will be direct. I have noticed that you seem to find me attractive and I wished you to know that the interest was returned.”

Eli just stood there blinking.  Feeling like he had just gotten run over by a sand crawler. Letting Thrawn continue to hold his hand.  

“It seems to me that we have two options.” Thrawn continued, voice carefully neutral, “We can see if this attraction and interest might be able to become more.  Or we can choose to ignore it. My preference would be the first, but I have, as you mentioned, already caused a great deal of disruption to your life. If you wish, I will not speak of it again. I have no desire to lose this camaraderie.”

“I…” Eli started, yes, he wished for it! But the cost? And how could Thrawn really be interested in  _ him? _ Eli stared into bright red eyes as Thrawn patiently waited, before slumping and looking at their hands, blue and brown. “I don’t know,” Eli whispered.

Thrawn nodded, “To be expected. Eli, there is no need for you to make a decision immediately. Patience is important for a warrior, and also for friendship.  I am content to wait until you are sure, one way or the other.”

Eli jerked his head to meet Thrawn’s eyes once more as he struggled to understand.  Just like that? He would wait indefinitely? Looking into those steady, confident eyes, Eli realized he was serious.  “I... ahh, alright. I will think about it,” Eli finally said.

Thrawn finally let go of Eli’s hands as he began to take care of the medkit. “That is all I ask,” Thrawn said with a small smile. “We have until graduation to figure it out after all. Now, I will let you complete your nightly rituals and I will wake you for our new workout sessions tomorrow.”  Thrawn stood and left the refresher, putting the medkit back as he went.

Eli starred as Thrawn left.  Well. He looked at his now empty hands.  Figure it out. Right. Eli shook himself and hurried to getting ready for bed before Thrawn emerged.

* * *

True to his word, Thrawn acted like the conversation about relationships never happened.  He woke Eli far too early the next morning (Apparently, he liked to work out for an hour every morning!) and it didn’t take long for Eli to regret suggesting they work out together.  But he was damned if he was going to admit defeat. So, they continued to exercise together, even sparring once bruises had faded. It didn’t take Eli long to decide that Thrawn had purposefully thrown the fight in the courtyard. It was frustrating as Eli couldn’t seem to win. He wasn’t sure if all Chiss were trained that well or if it was just Thrawn, but their skill levels were pretty different. Thrawn kept insisting that Eli was doing well, but he wasn’t sure how much he believed that.  

Sparing and exercise had added an extra level of challenge to his daily life though.  Thrawn did not understand why Eli wished to remain in uniform. Which Eli admitted was extreme. But he couldn’t do what Thrawn did and just strip to pants and an undershirt.  Thankfully his remaining belongings from Myomar had arrived the week before so Eli pulled out the giant exercise clothes he had used for his hand-to-hand combat class. His fellow cadets had been rude about it but not as nasty as the one time that he forgot them and had to spar in his undershirt. That alone was enough for him to ignore Thrawn’s encouragement to take a more casual clothing approach and continue to sweat.

The first week he had thought over it, this chance at a relationship, Eli had been worn out and too busy to really think through it much.  But as time passed, he kept wondering, what would people say back home? What if they got caught? Why was Thrawn interested in him?

Another week dragged on and as Eli realized Thrawn was as courteous and annoying as ever. He really cared about what Eli thought and was always making Eli challenge his assumptions. Plus, now that he knew that Thrawn was interested, Eli couldn’t help noticing that there were little things that Thrawn did around him or for him but not others. Like knowing what his favorite food was at the cafeteria. Being careful to allow him ample time in the refresher. Thrawn really didn’t understand body shyness but seemed to try and be respectful with Eli’s shyness in that area (Poor Cadet Drocos was very upset by the events from the night they worked on a shared project). Thrawn had surprised him with a treat that was from Lystra the other day. Where the fuck did he get kriffing cinnamon rolls from?   

By the end of the second week, Eli realized he didn’t care much about what other people thought when it came to most of it.  He wasn’t worried about being caught, Thrawn was smart and together they could be careful. Eli didn’t mind explaining to his parents that he was with an alien. It just didn’t bother Eli that Thrawn wasn’t human. He might have some problems explaining that he was with a Chiss by choice to his parents but even that wasn’t that bothersome.  

Eli was worried about what people would think when they saw fat, flabby him next to athletic Thrawn. He was worried that once Thrawn saw him, all of him, that he would change his mind. Oddly enough, it was an insult from another cadet that made him rethink things. “Know-it-all.” An idiotic childish insult leveled at Thrawn as they were leaving class.  But it made Eli think. Why was he trying to act like he knew for certain what Thrawn would think or do? The more time Eli spent with him, the more Thrawn surprised him. Was Eli really going to let fear of rejection from taking a chance with the hottest man he had ever known? Hell, not even that much of a chance, Thrawn had asked Eli out, not the other way around!

* * *

After dinner a few days later, Eli was working up his courage on the way back to their quarters. He needed to speak up  _ before _ Thrawn stripped. Last night Eli had been ready to give an answer and chickened out when he turned to see Thrawn’s sculpted self sprawling on the lower bunk. But after they were inside. And had locked the door. Eli could feel his palms sweating, and his heart in his ears as they arrived. Eli locked the door. Damn, does Thrawn hate clothes or something? He  _ already _ had his tunic off! Eli gulped, “Hey, wait a sec.”  

Thrawn paused, looking at Eli quizzically.  Whatever Thrawn saw prompted him to pull his undershirt back down and sit on his bunk, hands clasped loosely in his lap.  

_ Eli stands awkwardly, shifting his weight back and forth.  He is clutching his hands, almost wringing them. His throat works, but no words emerge.   _ Finally, Thrawn reached out and took Eli’s hands in his. “Whatever you say, I will respect it and you,” Thrawn told him seriously.

Eli looked down at their hands and then abruptly sat down next to Thrawn. Continuing to look at their hands, Eli finally said, “I would like to give us a chance, but I am nervous.” He laughed, an edge of bitterness apparent, “Obviously, but I would like to try.  I do want to take it slow though.” 

Thrawn blinked, turning to Eli, “I am somewhat surprised considering your body’s reaction to me, but I must admit to some relief. I would prefer to move slowly, though I must confess that physical contact is desirable.”

“Physical contact?” Eli asked, “You mean like holding hands? Or hugging?”

“While I am not opposed to those, what I meant was,” Thrawn paused for a second, ”I am sorry I do not know the basic word,  _ kukimbia. _ ”

“Cuddling,” Eli said without thinking, then blushed, “I… I would like to cuddle.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kukimbia = cuddling 
> 
> Also Cadet Drocos is a random OC. If you would like the chance to gift a last name to an OC please leave a comment with a name suggestion.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A morning a few days later, told from two perspectives.
> 
> Thanks again to JessKo for the awesome beta.

Eli woke up slowly, warm.  He blinked leisurely adjusting to the red glow of light and the strong arms that embraced him.  Oh. He had fallen asleep again. Thrawn hadn’t been kidding when he said he desired physical contact. It had taken a few discussions before Eli was comfortable with it.

That first night, he had come out after prepping for bed and Thrawn had drawn him into an embrace. One spluttering, embarrassing conversation later, Eli had talked Thrawn into at least putting an undershirt on with the sinfully snug black boxer-briefs and the climate control was turned down. Apparently, Thrawn thought the temperature was set to where Eli wanted it and hadn’t wished to make him uncomfortable. Chiss evidently ran a bit warmer than humans. Eli was pretty sure that Thrawn still didn’t understand why Eli wanted him to wear clothes. Thrawn had said something about understanding, “wanting to go slower than your body prompts” and agreed to the compromise. However, by that point, Eli was just glad Thrawn put _anything_ on as it was very hard to have a discussion when Eli just wanted to run his hands down Thrawn’s naked front. And Eli was _not_ ready for that.  

Eli was just thankful that he had finally gotten his body’s reaction to Thrawn mostly under control, so after he got over his initial embarrassment, he was able to relax and didn’t have to worry about getting a hard-on. Thrawn had talked him into spooning on the lower bunk for a while. Eli had fallen asleep in the embrace wondering how long Thrawn wanted to stay like that, surrounded by the warm, spicy scent of his roommate.  

And so, began what was becoming their new pattern.  They would eat, do course work and talk for a bit. Eli would get ready for bed (careful to clean up after jerking off when needed) and then Thrawn would pull Eli down into his arms. The first few times Eli tensed, worried about where it might go. But Thrawn’s hands never wandered to private places. Once in a while, Eli would catch him looking but Thrawn never moved for more.

Eli worried that meant Thrawn really didn’t desire him but realized that worry faded when Thrawn would pull him close, nuzzling his ear or just rubbing a hand along his arm. In fact, all of Eli’s worry usually faded and he would relax. Which was odd. It felt like years since Eli had really let go and felt safe enough to just... be. Eli had fallen asleep like that, in Thrawn’s arms every night this week. Which meant waking up in them, which was, well, nice.  

Unfortunately, it did mean that Eli kept forgetting to ask Thrawn about the Chiss’s view on kissing. Eli was not ready for sex, partners usually expected you to disrobe after all. Really though, he wanted it to mean more than just physical release, maybe it was hopelessly romantic of him.  But he couldn’t help but wonder what kissing Thrawn would be like. Feeling thin lips that were just faintly purple. Lips that would purse gently when studying a particularly confounding social action by a fellow cadet. Eli wondered if they would be as warm as the arms that held him gently at night.

He felt a blush rise as Thrawn shifted around him, “We have another 40 minutes before we need to start our day,” Thrawn softly said, “Feel free to go back to sleep.”

Eli opened his mouth to ask about kissing and then closed it, chickening out.

Thrawn pulled back a bit to look at him, “What is it?”

Eli wondered what to say.  Should he just ask? He was so busy wondering that he didn’t even notice that he began to shiver a bit from the cool air that began to populate the space that Thrawn took up a moment prior.  

Thrawn frowned, and pulled the blankets up around Eli, “I am sorry I did not realize you were cold.”

“I’m not. I mean I was but that isn’t what I was going to say…” El rambled.  Damn, why was this so hard? Just ask! But Eli couldn’t do it, “Isn’t my falling asleep on you uncomfortable?”  

Thrawn slowly smiled at Eli, meeting brown eyes with steady red, “No, I find it to be rather enjoyable.”

Eli felt his cheeks flame red at Thrawn’s tone, so sly and sure. “Ah, okay. Well, might as well get going then.” Eli fumbled with the blankets as he worked to get up. He almost made it when he tripped on Thrawn’s long legs and he lurched towards the floor.  Only for strong hands to catch his hips, holding him up as he tried to get oriented. Eli felt warmth flood him at the casual display of strength.

“Are you alright?” Thrawn’s voice concerned rose as Eli tried to focus over the roaring of his heartbeat in his ears.  

“Ah, um, yes,” Eli squeaked before regaining his feet and bolting to the bathroom.  

Eli tried to calm his pounding heart as he rested his hands on the refresher sink.  The lingering heat from Thrawn’s hands on his hips rousing him to full alertness.   Damn, he was going to need to shower before and after their workout today.

* * *

Thrawn looked down at the sleeping human curled around him. Every night started out the same.  Eli would emerge from the refresher, freshly showered, looking far more relaxed than when he went in. The ridiculously oversized pajamas all but swallowing him. Thrawn supposed they did keep Eli warm, but was always disappointed at how they hid his figure. Of course, Thrawn hadn’t gotten to see it yet, but sparring had shown a strong, limber body.

Thrawn would tug Eli into an embrace, loving the coolness of the human against his warm skin.  Eli always tensed up but was willing to join Thrawn on the bottom bunk, quickly relaxing into his arms as they talked about everything from favorite games as a child to how disgusting that night’s cafeteria food was. They never seemed to talk very long before Eli would slide down and start nodding off.  Thrawn knew that he could wake Eli up or tell him to go but Thrawn found that he craved the touch and thought it endearing that Eli trusted Thrawn enough to fall asleep. It also gave Thrawn hope that he wasn’t making a mistake, which he tried to remember when Eli flinched during the day or was awkwardly trying to avoid looking at him when they were alone. Thrawn would read for an hour or so and then join Eli in slumber, only to wake before him, just as how this morning had also gone.

Reaching out slowly so as to not disturb Eli, Thrawn grabbed his data pad and opened his reading material of the morning: _The Human Body: Concepts of Anatomy and Physiology_.  He had finished _Introduction to the Human Body_ last night as Eli had fallen asleep more quickly than usual. Thrawn was rather glad he had thought to do this research as it would have made first looks awkward and he did not want Eli to feel that he was being rejected when it was merely that Thrawn was surprised by what he saw. Chiss were similar to humans in many respects but they were not human after all.

Reminding himself that he would need to keep this fact in mind regarding Eli as there were no books on Chiss biology, anatomy or physiology available in the Empire, Thrawn started reading. Trying not to think about his worries that Eli would not find his own form appealing, that he had moved too fast for Eli, or that he should not have risked the chance at friendship for the hope of more, he continued his studies.

_Eli’s breathing shifts. He is beginning to wake, drawing closer, burrowing slightly under the covers. Blinking slowly, he must be content and feels safe._

“We have another 40 minutes before we need to start our day,” Thrawn softly said, “Feel free to go back to sleep.”

_Eli furrows his brow, hesitating. He opens his mouth as if to say something and then closes it. He hunches his shoulders slightly._

Thrawn pulled back a bit to look at Eli, “What is it?” _Eli shifts slightly. His temperature appears to have dropped. His throat tightens and relaxes as he begins to shiver._ Thrawn frowned, and pulled the blankets up around Eli, “I am sorry I did not realize you were cold.”

“I’m not. I mean I was, but that isn’t what I was going to say…” El rambled, “Isn’t my falling asleep on you uncomfortable?”  

Remembering the shared warmth and trust of the previous night, Thrawn slowly smiled at Eli, meeting brown eyes with steady red, “No, I find it to be rather enjoyable.”

 _Heat rises in his cheeks and he quickly looks away._ “Ah, okay. Well, might as well get going then.” _He is speaking quickly, as if anxious, fumbling with the blankets wrapped about him. Movements are jerky and hurried, increasing the likelihood of falling._ Thrawn felt Eli’s feet get tangled and quickly moved to help, grasping Eli’s hips to keep him from falling. And froze as the urge to pull Eli back into bed flooded him.  He could feel the strength wrapped in softness through Eli’s loose pants. _Eli’s core heat raises, particularly between my hands. Tension coils between his shoulders._ There was a patch of bare skin showing where Eli’s shirt had hiked up and Thrawn fought the urge to lean over and inspect the brown skin with lips and tongue. Thrawn fought for control as he felt heat pool in his groin. Eli had asked to go slow, Thrawn would _not_ betray his trust. 

Slowly Thrawn fought his desire, hard-earned self-control reasserting itself, as he realized that Eli had not moved since Thrawn caught him. Was he hurt? Had Thrawn misjudged his strength and grasped too tightly? Worried, Thrawn asked, “Are you alright?”

“Ah, um, yes,” Eli squeaked before regaining his feet and bolting to the bathroom.  

Thrawn stared after Eli, worry and desire fighting.  Worry won as Thrawn moved to get dressed for their exercise program. He would be more careful in the future.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few minutes and a shower after chapter 3. Still at the Royal Imperial Academy, Thrawn and Eli attempt to learn how to communicate.

Should we take it easier today?” Thrawn asked, still worried that he hurt Eli earlier.

“Why?” Eli asked, confused.

“You took longer than usual this morning in the refresher,” Thrawn hesitatingly said, “I am sorry that I hurt you, it was not my intention.”

“You didn’t hurt me,” Eli said blushing. He closed his eyes briefly; he was embarrassed but he didn’t want Thrawn to feel bad. “I… I was just taking care of … things, you know.” When Thrawn just looked more worried, Eli wondered if Thrawn really didn’t know. He seemed to figure most stuff out so fast. Maybe Chiss were different in this area from humans? Eli sighed, “Just jerking off.” Thrawn now just looked confused, Eli felt his face burn as he realized that he was going to need to be explicit. “I had a hard-on.”

Thrawn blinked, finally piecing it together, “You were sexually aroused and sought release?”

“Um, yes,” Eli stuttered.

“So those are idioms for an erection?”

Eli buried his face in his hands, “Some of them.” Eli’s voice was slightly muffled but still understandable “Hard-on, boner, morning wood, and pitching a tent are.” Reminding himself that it would make life easier to finish this discussion, not put it off, Eli continued “Making love, charge up her loading ramp, cross sticks, woopie, bang, hook up a power coupling, get laid, shag, saber duel, and nooky are euphemisms for sex.” Knowing that he was red even through his darker skin tone, Eli took a deep breath, just trying to finish the explanation so that maybe Thrawn won’t ask too many more questions. “While jerking off, wanking, flying solo, onesome, and arm cardio refer to masturbation.”

“Ah,” Thrawn nodded, “I knew the Empire was less open about such things than I am used to, but I had not realized it was such a taboo subject.”

“Not taboo exactly, just really private,” Eli added, raising his head, he met Thrawn’s eyes. Feeling heat flood him, he looked away, “Okay, maybe you have a point. Maybe it is a bit of a hang-up back home, and... And it certainly is for me.” Eli admitted.

“I understand wishing to take time before intercourse, but why hide such a thing, _isoki_?” Thrawn asked, his usually stoic face drawn in confusion.

“Boyfriend?” Eli huffed. “Are you even interested in me? Or are you just lonely after being exiled?” Eli asked, heart a heavy weight in his chest, “I can’t tell what you want, hell, why should I open myself up to ridicule?”

“What I want? You mean how I wanted to pull you back into bed in my arms when you slipped this morning? Or how a corner of your sleep shirt hiked up and I wished to kiss, to lick, explore every bit of the exposed skin?” Thrawn’s eyes seem to burn into Eli’s as he continued, “How I wish to feel the curve of your body against mine, exploring every crevasse and crease? Or how when we exercise that I find that I cannot look away from your exertions? How I wish to pull you close when we spar? Perhaps, you wish to know that every time you take a longer shower, I fight the urge to join you.” Thrawn was breathing hard, face slightly flushed as Eli stared at him, feeling Thrawn’s breath on his face as Thrawn hissed, “How I want to know what pleases you, what you enjoy, what makes you happy and what brings you grief.” Eli jumped, feeling the wall press against his back as Thrawn leaned in. “How I will never, _ever_ , act against your request to move slowly, no matter what I desire or how I am provoked.”

Eli froze. He had seen this look on Thrawn’s face before, when he woke up to find Thrawn looking at him. That one time when he successfully pinned Thrawn during a sparring match, it was the same look. Could it be...? Eli felt his heart pounding in his ears, was that desire he saw in Thrawn’s eyes?

Thrawn huffed out a breath before taking a step back, “We should return to our routine if we wish to exercise this morning.”

Turning away, Thrawn began to do the beginning stretches as Eli gaped, stomach tight, face hot. Feeling a shivery heat, Eli finally stepped forward, opening his mouth to respond, words catching in his throat. The heavy lump was gone, replaced with shivery heat. _Kriff_ , what could he say to follow that up?

Nothing.

So instead Eli grabbed Thrawn’s arm, halting him mid-stretch. When Thrawn turned and arched that perfect brow in question, Eli threw caution to the wind and stepped forward pressing shaking lips against smooth, warm blue lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Isoki - boyfriend, used in the same way that sweetheart, honey or love is


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Eli kisses Thrawn. Thrawn kisses back. Yeehaw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Panic attack, past verbal abuse

_ Lips cool and soft, shaking. For a moment, I stand still, relishing the trust that the chaste kiss communicates. Eli pulls back, and I cannot prevent myself from chasing, asking, teasing with lips. His mouth parts and I accept the invitation, exploring heady warmth, licking, tasting, hints of mint from his toothpaste lingering, tingling on his tongue. Or perhaps that is just him, my hands reaching to touch soft sides covering strong muscle. Gasping as cool hands touch my sides, electric as they run under my top, along my abdomen. Hissing, I cannot stop myself from tugging Eli against me, control slipping as I kiss him again, claiming his willing mouth. One hand moved to grasp his rear, I let a moan slip out at the feeling of the soft, yielding ass that so generously filled my hand. _

* * *

Eli trembled as he pressed his lips to Thrawn’s, trying to communicate what he seemed unable to with words. Courage fading as Thrawn simply met him, Eli pulled back, not wanting to push should he not be wanted. But this was only for the hot lips to follow, gentle at first, but quickly chasing away the lingering fear that Eli’s advance was unwanted. Eli’s focus narrowed to the agile lips that gave and asked. With a gasp, he parted his lips, hoping for more, coming to feel Thrawn’s tongue trace the opening before flicking inside, hot and wet. Eli felt as if he were drowning in sensation as hands trailed fire down his sides, and his own hands found where shirt began, running his hands beneath thin fabric and up firm defined muscles. Thrawn hissed as Eli shivered, finding the noises highly erotic as he traced over and back down rippling skin only to be pulled tight against lean body. Eli returned the kiss, frantic to meet the passion, only to be rewarded with a moan. The heat from the hand on his ass felt like it burned a path straight to his core. 

Eli found himself lifted and held against that warm firm chest. One hand ran down bare muscled bicep while the other went back to run through Thrawn’s hair which was far softer than Eli expected. Encouraged by a hum from Thrawn, Eli passed his hand back through the dense, plush hair, caught up in the heat of warm tongue that skillfully danced within him. Eli brought his legs up, wrapping around Thrawn’s hips. Cock stirring and starting to fill, even with the attention Eli had paid it earlier, it was only to be brought up short as he ground again smooth expanse of Thrawn’s groin.  

Eli felt his stomach drop as he flashed back to that horrible day when Jon had told Eli that he didn’t find him attractive.  _ No one will with you not taking care of yourself. I thought I could at least get a good servicing. But obviously, you couldn’t even give me that.  _ Next thing Eli knew he was sitting on the floor, back against the wall, shaking as he stared at a worried looking Thrawn who was crouching holding a hand out but not quite touching him. A panic attack.  _ Kriff _ . 

Finally, Eli swallowed and tried to talk only for his voice to break. A few more convulsive glups later, “I… just…. Sorry…”

Gently, as if Eli were some terrified animal, Thrawn eased to the ground and carefully wrapped an arm around Eli. When Eli didn’t do anything but shake, Thrawn slowly pulled Eli into his chest, cradling him as slowly, the panic left. 

“I… I had a bad experience once, with an ex who wasn’t…. I wasn’t enough to get them going…”

“I thought that was why you wished for me to wear undergarments?” Thrawn asked confused, “While it isn’t impossible, genitalia for Chiss typically will not emerge with the pressure of the... briefs, I believe you call them.”  

“Wait, what?” Eli jerked back to look at Thrawn.

“Somewhat similar to Pau’ans, Chiss genitals are concealed in a  _ han'et rivat,  _ a.. Pouch, until stimulation or heat prompts them to descend. I assure you are more than enough to...” Thrawn raised an eyebrow, “get me going.” 

Right, Thrawn wasn’t human. Eli had wondered what that would mean, but the imperial records had nothing about Chiss at all. Plus, Thrawn had found his stories so outlandish, Eli had concluded that there must not be many differences. Other than the improved hearing and infrared sight (no wonder Thrawn had figured out Eli’s interest), everything that had been hinted about in stories was dismissed as ridiculous. And the occasional risque book featuring Chiss certainly had given them human anatomy. Eli felt his face flush as he realized that he probably shouldn’t have used “ _ Lost in Your Eyes _ ” for dating advice. 

“I, no, that is, I didn’t know….” Eli stumbled out, starting to feel a bit stupid. He had very carefully not looking at the tight black briefs for weeks now. Eli looked down, how did he miss this?!  Now Thrawn definitely had a good size bulge but it was oddly smooth, as if he were wearing a codpiece. Eli jerked his eyes up to look at Thrawn’s face again.  

“If that was not the case, I would greatly prefer to return to my previous habits.” Thrawn’s face drew down into a frown, “It is still too warm for my preferences and is a waste of credits for unneeded clothing.”

“It is kriffin distracting!” Eli blurted, “I can’t handle you walking around in the buff!”

Thrawn blinked, then slowly a smile spread across his face, “Ah, in the buff…. I presume that is an idiom for being naked?”

Face beet red, Eli just nodded.

“Then, perhaps another compromise? I will wear the briefs to bed, and will remain clothed while out of bed, but in bed will discard the undershirt. Once you feel comfortable, I will return to my… buff preference.” 

Eli laughed shortly, “In the buff is naked, just buff means being extremely muscular.” 

Thrawn smiled slyly, “Well, then naked and buff then.” Smile fading he met Eli’s eyes, quietly continuing, “And you never need to apologize for what your mind does to protect you. It is not what I wish for you but it is nothing to be ashamed of. I desire you in every way and eagerly anticipate being able to show you exactly how much.” 

Eli blinked, “You were waiting for me to make the first move.”    
  
“Yes, I was unsure about what constituted moving too fast for Lystrian custom so I thought it best to wait for you to set the physical boundaries.” 

Feeling the slow fog of numbness replacing the hot-edge of panic creep in, Eli let his head fall forward to rest on Thrawn’s shoulder, “I think, I just want to go slow with sex. I...I am a bit body shy. But, I need you to lead, I....I am not comfortable initiating physical contact.” 

Eli felt strong arms tighten around him as Thrawn murmured, “That makes sense with what you have shared.” The two sat in silence for a few minutes, comfortable in the quiet. “I do not mind taking initiative but I will need you to be more vocal when you are uncomfortable.”

Letting out a stuttering breath, Eli rubbed his check against the soft undershirt covering strong muscles, “I can do that.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Romance book mentioned is a nod to https://archiveofourown.org/works/19117144 and is the romance novel in that fic.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Still at the Imperial Academy. Eli fights with memories of his ex, Jon. Thrawn keeps up his quiet courting.

Thrawn had kept to his word and wearing the undershirt and briefs while working on classwork, only to go down to just briefs for bed. Eli found himself relaxing as time passed. He still found Thrawn distracting and ridiculously hot, of course, but started not worrying about it, and tried to just enjoy it. Letting Thrawn know what he liked and what he didn’t like was challenging but also rather freeing. (He wasn’t sure why Thrawn did it, but having hands in his armpits was a definite no, even if Thrawn’s hands were warm.) Snuggling at night also was more enjoyable. Eli quit pretending that he was going to leave to return to his own bed and began to appreciate the lack of shirt on his bedmate. Hands wandering as he became more comfortable, encouraged by gentle gestures and warm looks.

 The remaining weeks at the academy passed quickly. Eli found that he didn’t feel the need to hide as much as he once did. He found himself working in a large shirt instead of the giant sweatshirt. Thrawn didn’t even blink at the change, Eli noticed with relief. But then Thrawn seemed to treat life in a fairly compartmentalizing way. When he did classwork, all his attention and effort went into it. Exercise was treated with complete and absolute focus. Eli was glad, he could tell that he was getting into better shape. He might not have a hope of reaching Thrawn’s level, but Eli knew that he would feel better about himself if he lost some weight. 

Thrawn brought that same intensity to everything, Eli still wasn’t sure how he felt when it was focused on him but he did know that the attention wasn’t unwelcome. Same with the gentle touches, and hugs that Thrawn initiated. Nothing got as heated as that first kiss, but Eli was happier with the slow progression. Though it would be a lie to say that he didn’t think about how it had felt to be picked up as if he weighed nothing and kissed until he was breathless. Eli also managed to get some holos of them together, just in their uniforms. He really liked the one where he surprised Thrawn with a kiss on the cheek. Thrawn’s favorite was the next one of them kissing. Apparently, Eli looked “ _ k'ates ch'acin't _ ” which Thrawn wouldn’t translate. A small holo disc was simple enough to add to each of their personal belongings and shouldn’t be an issue as long as they don’t upload them for ISB to find. 

During the last two weeks at the academy, Thrawn showed up with a whole tray of cinnamon rolls. Eli was grateful for his favorite sweet as he prepared for final exams and presentations. Finally, all exams were done and it was the night before graduation. Eli settled on Thrawn’s bed, enjoying the last roll while Thrawn got ready for bed. Really, Eli shouldn’t have eaten so many this week, but the sweet, soft gooey wonderfulness was such a comfort that he couldn’t resist. He heard the  _ whosh _ of the refresher door as he licks his fingers off. There is a sudden stillness that makes him look up at Thrawn who has frozen in the doorway. Eli pauses, caught by the way that Thrawn was looking at him. Focused. Intent. Thrawn walked, no…  _ stalked _ across the room, before putting a hand on the bunk on each side of Eli. Eli watched, breathless, as Thrawn, oh so carefully, licked the last of the icing off his palm. Cheeks flushing, Eli couldn’t bring himself to look away as Thrawn maintained eye contact as that wonderfully warm, soft mouth closed over the last of the sticky fingers and sucked the finger clean. 

Thrawn’s eyes promise more, and he is looking at Eli the way Thrawn had looked at the painting on the museum trip. The one that was “stimulating” and “fascinating.” Thrawn had gotten them in trouble when he examined it for the entire hour they had been at the museum. He had been so wrapped up in the painting and so eloquent in describing it that even Eli hadn’t realized their class had moved onto the next area. And now Thrawn was looking at  _ him _ that way. Slowly Thrawn leaned forward and lips met, almost chaste, in that gentle soft way that was familiar. But he was still meeting Eli’s eyes, as if Thrawn would miss something precious if he closed his eyes. Eli couldn’t help but reaching out to touch toned, lean sides, exploring what was quickly becoming familiar territory, comforting and arousing in equal measure. Eyes drifting shut, Eli lost himself in the warm gentle kisses as warm hands rubbed his hips.

Thrawn grasps Eli’s sleepshirt and asks, “May I?” and for once Eli looked into the glowing red eyes and nodded. Gently, the shirt was pulled off and warm hands traced strong arms and soft sides. Eli flushed, the shame that he felt rising, but then he looked at Thrawn. Thrawn’s face…. It isn’t what he had seen on Jon’s, instead, it was still that same concentration that Eli had seen Thrawn turn on art. Eli stilled as Thrawn continued trailing along him, gentle fingers finding and tracing stretch marks across his pudgy stomach. There is more than just concentration on Thrawn’s face, more than the look that says that he is going to make one of his realizations, more than figuring something out….  Was it… Adoration? He has seen the look on his father’s face when he and his mother had been alone, she would touch his cheek and his father would look like this… Eli’s breath stuttered as it started sinking in, Thrawn cares. Thrawn  _ desires _ me. Where Jon had seen fat and ugly, Thrawn saw grace and strength. Stars knew that that was what Thrawn had certainly been saying, but Eli hadn’t believed him, couldn’t believe him. But now… Soft lips and a wet tongue traced where fingers had danced and Eli felt heat gather in his belly, realization that Thrawn wasn’t just saying things, and hadn’t he realized that Thrawn didn’t lie, even when it would be helpful? 

Eli gasped as Thrawn made his way up his body. Gentle kisses, always gentle after that first day which surprised Eli after the desperation of the first kiss. Thrawn was always careful to warn Eli when it was getting more intense and Eli always had backed off, afraid even as he wanted more. Eli found himself the aggressor as lips met and Thrawn maintained the loving warmth, Eli chased it, entering open mouth, licking and tasting. 

Heat followed the large hands that ran down Eli’s sides and grasped his ass, pulling him impossibly closer. Eli hesitated when Thrawn’s thumbs dipped into the waistband of his pants and pulled back. Reluctantly, Thrawn lets go and with a final caress, tells Eli, “Your posterior is very pleasing.” Eli felt his gut tighten and warm at the husky voice speaking words that should  _ not _ be sexy. But they were. Eli bit his lower lip, hesitantly, before grabbing the retreating hand and placing it back. “Then show me,” Eli whispered. 

* * *

The next morning, Eli woke naked and happy. And when he went to shower for the day, he found himself shyly inviting Thrawn to join him. 

Thrawn looked at him with that laser focused intensity and with a slow smile, “I would be honored.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> k'ates ch'acin't - blissful sweetheart - My thought is this term is used when someone is being adorable and makes you want to “Kawaii” but specifically a lover/romantic partner :) 
> 
> This ends story arc 1. As you may have noticed, a good amount of time has occurred between posting Chapter 5 and 6. Life is not being terribly kind to me lately and it is killing my motivation. I am going to be taking a break but will return. There are at least 2 more story arcs (there were 3 but I am considering merging arcs 3 and 4 into one). I just need to stop being mad at myself for not writing, which means giving myself permission to take a break.


	7. The Planned End and News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hate WIPs so I am finishing items up before starting something new.

So life has been rough for me with one of the most severe depressive episodes I have experienced which is why I had put this fic on hiatus. Got treatment and am feeling better but find that while I still love Thrawn, my interest has switched ships. I still love Thrawn and Eli together but I am not interested in writing more about them. So after some consulting, I have decided to share the next planned arcs so that even if I never get back to writing this, you all can enjoy what was planned. I might come back to finish this story but I have no plans to at this time.

 

  1. Next arc is Eli realizing he isn't losing weight like he expected with  all the exercise he and Thrawn do, which leads to him making some dubious choices and Thrawn helping him realize they aren't good choices. This is complicated by Thrawn pulling strings to disrupt Eli’s career.
  2. Next arc is when Thrawn starts getting promoted but Eli isn’t. Eli starts facing systematic bullying which gives flashbacks to academy days. Eli goes to medical to get help on losing weight, as he thinks that Thrawn should leave him. Thrawn freaks out and starts feeding him more.
  3. Eli is finally at the weight he has dreamed of but he still isn’t happy. Everything is too cold, especially their quarters. Chairs are uncomfortable and his clothing pinches him. ISB shows up to investigate Thrawn and the rumors of his breaking the rules, surprise, it is Jon and he is now a firm xenophobic ass.  Eli finds out that Thrawn is actually turned on by his extra weight. Eli decides to relax his weight goals and ends up between his current weight and starting weight. Thrawn is excited (in every sense of the word) by having more to cuddle. And then a happy ending. Because I like happy endings. 



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I expect people to fanfic or AU my fics, but please remember to link this if it inspires you!

**Author's Note:**

> This is a topic that I really wrestled with writing. Growing up I had a lot of issues with weight but my problems turned out to be medically based. We fixed my issue, and my weight evened out. Surprising to me, however, being a healthy weight didn’t solve my mental issues with my body. Only time and hard work did but it isn’t a battle that is just over. Keep fighting that dragon. Representation is really important and this is my attempt to help.
> 
> Also, thanks to JessKo for the beta. It was very helpful and comforting to know that I had someone helping catch things.


End file.
